My story of fighting against the war with Ukraine and escaping from repression

In Russia, I was involved in social and political activities, and was an activist in Alexei Navalny's movement in Vladivostok. I attended rallies, supported various actions from the FBK (Anti-Corruption Foundation), put up leaflets, and moreover, I was a leader who gathered a group of activists with whom we independently conducted actions that we ourselves came up with (by the way, our group was eventually broken up not by FSB agents, but by feminists because they wanted to impose feminism, that is, gender fascism disguised as liberalism, but that's not the point now).

We were constantly monitored ​

We were constantly monitored by FSB agents from Department "E" (the department for countering extremism, which is actually a repressive body) and not only at rallies: when we gathered in cafes to discuss our plans, FSB agents would sit a couple of tables away from us and film us on their phones; when we shot political videos in nature, they watched us through binoculars from a hill, they waited for our activists at bus stops and monitored their movements, hacked chats to find out where we were meeting, they waited for us at the meeting place and followed us in black SUVs when we organized car rallies in support of Sergei Furgal (a governor of Khabarovsk Krai repressed by Putin) and Alexei Navalny (Vladimir Putin's main political competitor who remained in Russia after Putin killed Boris Nemtsov). Just think about it - we only wanted freedom for our people, but we were tracked like dangerous terrorists. I think there's not even such persecution for terrorists as there is for peaceful opposition members. If Department "E" really fought extremism rather than the opposition, the terrorist attack at Crocus City Hall in Moscow might not have happened.

Many fell under repression, but I managed to avoid it for a time ​

I was careful and tried not to get caught. At rallies, I kept away from the cops who were spread throughout the crowd. But our younger and more passionate comrades unfortunately fell for the provocations of the cops and fell into their clutches (provocateurs are FSB employees who are sent to opposition rallies and actions). Of course, we helped our comrades, supported them in court, collected money for them to pay fines, and helped those detained in police stations. The FSB agents and cops themselves behaved very arrogantly, like mafiosi and like the owners of the country, demonstrating to us by their behavior that we were unwanted in this country. They spoke rudely, held protesters in police vans and in police departments longer than the allowed time, did not allow detainees to go to the toilet, did not provide medical assistance, and there were even cases of violence and shooting from non-lethal weapons at opposition members.

I'm surprised myself how I managed to never get caught, I was never in a police van or in a detention center. For this reason, some malicious tongues accuse me that since I didn't serve time, I'm not a real opposition member, supposedly if you want freedom - allow yourself to be put in prison, prove that you're a real opposition member (this is a deliberate provocation to make opposition members sacrifice themselves, which is exactly what V. Putin's regime needs).

When the war began, I immediately started attending anti-war rallies, but everything became very harsh: everyone who had any identifying signs - yellow-blue or green ribbons, posters and the like - was immediately detained indiscriminately. Of course, I knew this and didn't wear any signs so as not to get caught and generally tried not to fall for provocations, because then I wouldn't be able to continue my struggle if I was locked up. The FSB agents detained everyone who demonstrated anti-war symbols and made it so that it wasn't clear that it was an anti-war rally, to make it look like people were just standing in the square for no reason. The cops took down the details of everyone who was standing there, and I still got caught. The cop who was taking my details was very happy, it was obvious that he already knew me: he exclaimed "Aha, who do we have here!", most likely I was in their list of persons of interest, maybe they even gave him a bonus for me.

How I met the beginning of the war ​

Despite the fact that I have selective memory and I don't remember many events in life, although I remember data and the essence of things well, the very beginning of the war is etched in my memory. I woke up on the morning of February 24, 2022, in a good mood in my cozy apartment in my comfortable and wonderful previous life which I had fully set up. I took my phone in my hands, opened a repost of news from a friend, started reading, and then I felt like I fell out of reality... It was as if I fell somewhere into a state of simultaneous shock and numbness, like when you get injured and despite the shock, you don't feel anything for some time. But then comes the realization, and this realization is even more terrifying than the initial shock. The war had begun. War...

It was a collapse. A complete collapse of everything. The collapse of all my dreams, plans, habitual way of life - everything was crossed out in an instant. I was living well, not in poverty, planning to move to Kaliningrad because I really liked that city and the Kaliningrad region, had many plans for life, and everything seemed clear, in a positive light, and it seemed that everything was within my reach and everything was achievable. But none of my previous plans were meant to come true. All my plans and my whole life collapsed in an instant as soon as I received news of Putin's troops attacking Ukraine. I fell into depression, I lay in bed all day with a phone in my hand, not getting up. All I did was scroll through news day after day. I only had the strength to go to anti-war rallies, to the store, and to the psychotherapist.

Darkness descended, people were repressed and squeezed out of their homeland ​

We communicated in opposition chats with other opposition members, and I was horrified by the level of repression that Vladimir Putin unleashed against the opposition and those who wish peace for their country. It really resembled the worst times in the USSR. Some were fired from work, some were expelled from their studies just because they didn't want war, some had cops waiting for them in a car near their entrance for several days and the person couldn't leave the apartment, some were simply intimidated, and one journalist was invaded by special forces, who placed his face in a dog bowl and inserted a dumbbell into his ass (literally).

It was impossible to believe! After all, we just wanted peace, we were neither criminals, nor thieves, nor terrorists, we just wanted peace, which is absolutely normal. What's not normal is the opposite - craving war and blood.

What the FSB agents were doing then was real fascism, and there has only been more of it subsequently. It was a complete takeover of Russia by the FSB agents. I'm sure many people in Russia still don't even realize what actually happened then - it was utter horror.

The cops were waiting for me in the entrance near the garbage chute, neighbors told me they often saw cops. Eventually, they caught me when I was returning from another anti-war rally. They gave me a warning that if they saw me at a rally again, I would face criminal charges for destruction of city property and blocking roads (it's worth saying that I didn't commit or plan anything like that). These cops behaved very arrogantly and insolently, they demonstrated that they had power over me, sneered and behaved like the owners of the country where I was a powerless animal.

After Vladimir Putin pushed through a repressive law in the State Duma on discrimination against the army, it immediately became clear that we would be put away for 15 years. Detentions under the new article began immediately. The FSB agents began to mow down opposition members - putting them in jail, squeezing them out of the country, writing out gigantic fines that are impossible to pay (after all, opposition members are mainly poor intellectuals), seizing businesses and depriving them of the opportunity to earn a living.

Seeing what was happening, I gathered my strength, overcame the depression I had been in for several weeks after the start of the war, and realized that I needed to act urgently. I decided to sell everything as quickly as possible and leave Russia, which I did. As a matter of urgency, I sold my apartment, gave away my belongings to friends, and fled from repression from my homeland.

I escaped from Mordor! ​

I was packing so quickly that I didn't even have time to book a hotel in Turkey. I arrived in Turkey with two suitcases of belongings, exited the Antalya airport; 6 am; standing on the street without a single thought of what to do next; ATMs don't allow withdrawing money due to sanctions, I only have dollars, standing in a state of stupor. In the end, I found some taxi driver, he exchanged 100 dollars for me at an unfavorable rate and took me to a hotel on Konyaalti beach, he arranged with the hotel manager to rent a room for me for 3 days also on unfavorable terms, taking a kickback, but I didn't care anymore, I was confused and was ready to accept any conditions. I entered the room, lay down on the bed and felt such relief as if I had escaped from Mordor. Exactly, Mordor! That's what many Russians call what Putin has done with Russia.

I still managed to do it! I managed to save myself! I constantly feared that I wouldn't make it to Moscow, that I would be detained either in Vladivostok, or upon arrival in Moscow, or not allowed to leave the country at border control at Moscow International Airport. But by some miracle, I passed all obstacles and found freedom. I managed to do it! I escaped from Mordor! It was an incredible relief. I fell asleep in my clothes without even getting up from the bed. And when I woke up, I went outside to explore the new world, a new wonderful world where I am absolutely free! It was just an incredible feeling of freedom, which is difficult to express in words. There it was, freedom! Freedom!!!

Turkey is a beautiful and fantastic country! A new, albeit temporary, haven ​

In Turkey, I spent 7 wonderful months, 7 months of happiness. I was absolutely and unconditionally happy literally every day. There wasn't a single day when I felt unhappy or depressed.

In Turkey, I met many cool people. In our first wave of emigration, the cream of society really left: IT specialists, businessmen, crypto enthusiasts, investors, many active and developed men (specifically men, women mainly came to live parasitically at the expense of men as they lived in Russia, and of course, many feminists left).

Greetings to everyone I met then in Turkey and especially to my new friends!

Betrayal of relatives ​

I also want to express immeasurable gratitude to my Russian friends (I send greetings to my friend from Moscow with whom we became even closer by communicating remotely than when we lived in Vladivostok and became like-minded on many issues, although our political views differ). Not a single friend turned away from me, which I cannot say about my relatives.

Almost all my relatives, who quite recently said that we need to meet more often and communicate more, with whom we lived all our lives, betrayed me. Some called me a traitor without providing any justification for it, someone said that my mother gave birth to me in vain because I am against Putin, one said that "you come back, well, you'll serve 15 years, but at least you won't speak badly about Putin, everything is fine, there are no repressions, don't make it up", and another even stole my cryptocurrency mining equipment because I don't support the destruction of Russians and Ukrainians, I dare to yap something against Putin, and well, since I won't return to Russia, my equipment can be stolen and nothing will happen to him for it. Other relatives just demonstratively stopped communicating with me, left the chat and broke ties with me. They all accepted fascism, worship Putin, and crave the blood of Russians and Ukrainians (Russian fascism is called Rashism, it comes from the ideas of Ivan Ilyin, V. Putin's favorite philosopher).

I still cannot fully believe and comprehend the betrayal of relatives. I fought for the freedom of the peoples of Russia and my relatives as well, not in words, but in deeds, I admired Russian culture not in words, but by attending concerts and theatrical productions, I was a patriot of my homeland.

I went to rallies, fighting for the freedom of my people and against oppression by a dictator regardless of the danger of repression, and what did they do? Nothing... They not only did nothing for their homeland, but even on the contrary, did something with a negative sign: they opposed those who fought for peace, freedom, and prosperity of Russia.

But it is me who is considered a traitor by people who support the enslavement of the peoples of Russia, the robbing of Russians by Putin and Jewish oligarchs; people who supposedly will tear apart anyone for Russian culture, but have never even been to the theater for productions of plays by Russian authors, people who want for their people the grim Putin hopelessness and death in a senseless war. But according to them, the traitor is me, not them - as they say, don't get it mixed up.

It's quite ironic that all the words of relatives about how we need to stick together and help each other turned out to be a lie - as soon as I was in trouble, all relatives simply dissolved, moreover, many betrayed.

Some of my relatives tried to take a neutral position and not one, NOT ONE supported me. I don't need anything, I have everything, it was just enough to have words of support and humanly show sympathy for my grief, but instead, I only heard curses behind my back. Curses behind the back of a person who sacrificed his usual way of life, fought for the freedom of his people, was forced to flee from his homeland from ruthless Putin repressions. Instead of support, only exclamations of "traitor!" behind my back.

So that you don't think I'm exaggerating the problem with betrayal, in fact, many Russians desiring freedom and prosperity for their country faced betrayal by relatives. In emigration, I heard many stories and even much sadder ones than mine. Many people were not only betrayed by relatives, but they also wrote denunciations to the FSB so that they would be repressed. I was also told cases where relatives sent their kin to the SVO (war with Ukraine) so that they, supposedly, would wash away their "betrayal" with blood. There were cases where even a mother sent her own sons to war in the meat grinder for daring to yap something about Vladimir Putin.

Who is the traitor here, and who is the hero ​

Of course, following logic and human morality, the true and only traitors of Russia are the bloody dictator V. Putin, Jewish oligarchs, all his henchmen, cop lackeys, FSB agents, Z-fascists, and everyone who supports the war and Putin, including most of my relatives.

But those who oppose the oppressors, without false modesty, are heroes. Yes, we are heroes, if you also sincerely advocated for the freedom of Russia. You shouldn't be ashamed of this. Those fascists, SVO participants who were given the title "Heroes of Russia" are not heroes at all! We are heroes, we fought for the freedom of our country, and of course, Alexei Navalny is the main hero of Russia, who should have monuments erected in Russian squares and streets and cities named after him!

It's all madness here! ​

And the fact that Z-fascists don't know they are fascists and consider Ukrainians fascists and that they are sure that Ukrainians attacked Russia, despite the fact that the war was on the territory of Ukraine. I'll say even more, one of my relatives assured that there are no contradictions in the fact that in Bucha many civilians were found shot with their hands tied behind their backs and at the same time, according to Russian propaganda, they killed themselves, and Putin's troops that invaded Bucha have nothing to do with it. No contradictions, it's all logical as fuck.

My relatives retold fascist narratives that Russia was cleansed of traitors, "get out of Russia, it will be better without you". Is it worth reminding that we are full-fledged citizens of Russia and no one has the right to take away our right to be in our country.

I still can't believe that Z-patriots are happy about the replacement of the indigenous people of Russia with migrants loyal to Putin from Africa and some Central Asian countries, to whom he said that this is now their land and they are full-fledged owners here, having given them Russian passports. And nothing stirs in the Z-patriots.

Just appreciate the power of Putin's propaganda machine, which achieved that people enthusiastically perceive the destruction of their nation and the deprivation of its territory, moreover, they actively help in this. One of the most acute issues for any nation is the territorial issue. After all, no territory = no nation. Without territory, a nation awaits the fate of gypsies. But Z-patriots joyfully shout "get out of here, without you Russia will be cleansed" following representatives of indigenous peoples squeezed out of Russia, and at the same time, they do not protest against their replacement by migrants, those who, by all logic and morality, do not have as many rights to this territory as the indigenous inhabitants.

Do I regret leaving? ​

NO. Firmly and clearly. I don't regret leaving one bit and not for a second did the thought of returning to Putin's Russia, or rather to Mordor, to what Vladimir Putin did to my homeland, appear. There isn't the slightest desire to even see my treacherous relatives from afar. They betrayed their people, they betrayed their clan, they betrayed me, the bearer of their genes, they betrayed their genes. This is the most terrible sin from the point of view of human biology and evolution, they violated kin selection, betrayed their blood relative and their people for the sake of a dictator who didn't do anything good for them, who robs and oppresses them, moreover, whom they don't even know and have never seen in person and haven't communicated with him.

Did I think I left in vain? Of course not! Yes, indeed, Putin's propaganda actively pretended that everything was fine, there were no problems, everything even got better, moreover, a few months after the start of the war, the ruble strengthened, this was done deliberately against economic expediency. The narrative was - "you fools, why did you leave, everything is fine". But I didn't fall for this trick then and won't fall for it in the future. Nothing is fine in Russia.

I don't know if a criminal case has been opened against me or not, but returning to Russia, knowing that at any moment special forces could break into the door and stick a dumbbell in my ass, throw me in prison for nothing where they will rape with a mop, is sheer madness. One of my comrades even jokingly calls this country Shvabrostan, hinting at what awaits every citizen of this country at a random moment in time, regardless of whether they support Putin's regime or not.

We, Russian emigrants, faced a mass of problems and difficulties that we had to overcome. We were driven from our homeland, and in Europe, we were kicked around. In many European countries, they only accepted refugees from Ukraine, but not from Russia. We had to overcome and endure a lot, it was especially difficult for those who moved with families: to get a residence permit, they had to do just a mountain of documents, place children in kindergartens and schools, look for work, solve a bunch of everyday tasks, and all this had to be done urgently and in a country where you not only don't know anyone, but don't even know the language. There was a lot of nerve-wracking and obstacles, but we survived it all and no one sympathized with us or helped us. People who remained in Russia don't even realize what emigrants went through. And after going through all this, to just go back to the darkness of Mordor, well, no!

Perhaps if Putin's regime falls, I'll come to Russia for tourism purposes and to visit my friends. Russia is a beautiful and gorgeous country, amazing nature and beautiful cities where every stone of the pavement and every brick of historic buildings breathes history. But I want to live freely and happily, I am a free person, I am a citizen of the world, I live in a global world, know several languages, and no longer attribute myself to any one country.

I hate exclusively Vladimir Putin and his Jewish oligarchs, but not Russia - it's very important to understand this. And while he is in power, I don't have the slightest desire to set foot on the lands of Mordor again, I fucked all this shit in the mouth!

P.S. ​

I understand that such stories seem like diverting the focus of attention away from the fact that Putin killed hundreds of thousands of people, that he broke millions of fates. I sympathize with the innocently killed people and everyone who suffered from Vladimir Putin's dictatorship both in Russia and in Ukraine. But such stories are also important. The stories of the repressed remain in the shadow of the tragedy of war. The repressed and we who fled from repression have also become part of history, part of the wave of emigration that will be mentioned in future history textbooks. We are part of the Russian intelligentsia and creative people who create outside of Russia, just like many representatives of the intelligentsia who were driven out of the country by the Soviet authorities in their time - it was precisely these people who in many ways created Russian culture of the 20th century, and we are their involuntary heirs. Now we create Russian culture and history, having taken the baton from our predecessors, squeezed out of their homeland.

I want people who managed to avoid the grief of loss and betrayal and who observe all these events from the sidelines to pay attention to our small tragedies, these stories are no less interesting than mainstream ones, they are full of pain, broken hopes, betrayal, and difficult choices, but at the same time, they are instructive and show that not all people are ready to betray for illusory benefits, there are pure sincere people with a well-tuned moral compass. I believe that you, my dear reader, are just such a person.